Practice Makes Music

     I've always wanted to write a song.  I connect with music on a level that satisfies my soul, just as dance does.  I couldn't live without either one.  Both have gotten me through many hard and emotional times.  When I'm to the brink of exploding with pent up emotion, I go and I listen to a special playlist I have meant for lyrical dancing.  I play that music, and I just go at it.  I just move.  I let the music do what it will to my body and my soul.  I've cried, I've hit things, I've even just sat there, listening, if I was too drained to dance, or done just the opposite and ran around the room until I could let go of my thoughts enough to just let my body feel the music, and dance.  It's a very rewarding and cathartic experience.  I love it more than anything in the world.  So even though I may harbor some tensions, I always end up letting it out when I get to dance.

     I'm able to create choreography.  I've been choreographing since high school, once I got enough dance experience, it came naturally.  Half the time I'll come up with things when I'm just letting go and not trying to create anything.  Unfortunately, that is not how it works with lyric writing.  I've tried a thousand times to put words on paper, and ideas will definitely come.  They come as sure as I'm writing this blog, but never anything I feel that will make a good song.  I always go back to what I wrote later and think "Damn!  This really sucks."  I might save some of the lyrics because I think if I come back to them later, maybe I'll re-word them, or use some of them if they have any message or meaning to them.

     It would probably help if I knew more than several chords on the guitar.... maybe...   It's not just words that I fail at, it's the melody.  even if I can come up with some kind of melody for the lyrics in my head, I can't transpose that melody onto the guitar, therefore the words remain, but the melody is lost because I have no way of writing it down.

One of the idea's I'm playing around with for a tattoo

     Just like dance though, I just need more experience - at writing, and the guitar.  So, I write when I can.  That's why I have this blog.  Hopefully I'll be able to look back someday and notice an improvement over the years in my writing.  And maybe one day I will be able to write and play that song I know is so desperately waiting for me to sing it.

Thanks for reading,

<3 always,
     Jodi

I'm No Heroine

Piggy backing off of my last blog, this week I focus on the female protagonists of the books aforementioned.  

     So last week I was gushing and talking about the men in romance novels/rom-com books.  This week, I'm talking about the women and how like the men, they are fictitious and for the most not do not, and will not always behave like real women.  They are however closer to real women than the men... My guess is that is because the books were written by women who know what they want in men.

     Anyway, one reasons I'm writing about the women is to point out that their stories lack basic human  functions- sweating, farting, peeing, pooping (YES!  All people do it, so get over it!) and in the Bennet sisters case, vomiting. That's one of my complaints about romance novels or most novels in general - most things unpleasant or controversial go avoided, including women having excess body fat, having to wear glasses or braces, having a period, having a health condition or impurity on their body - even something as simple as acne.  All of it gets tossed, and why?  Because it won't sell like a hot sexy model type girl that's played down because she has some body image issues?  WE ALL DO!  And just because the female leads do not think they are anything special, does not cover up the fact that they are basically described as the "perfect American standard of beauty". 

     All those reasons and more are probably why I'm so drawn to the P.C and Kristen Cast novels.  While they still play it safe and the main characters are all beautifully and perfectly made to societies standard of beauty, they at least touch on subjects that make their characters seem more real and relatable in comparison to Stephanie Meyer, or E.L James and even Jane Austen.  Their lack of perfections are what make them intriguing.  But we have been trained by society to think that perfection is never going to the bathroom or sweating, having less then 20/20 vision, having excess body fat or any bodily function or fluid... Ever.


     So this is me calling BS on those romance novels.  And my conclusion is that since they are not real women, obviously, then it stands that the men are just as fictitious   I have only met one guy in my life whom I think lives up to the standards set forth by these books, and I love him to death for that.  And I love his girlfriend just as much.  they are my movie couple and a couple I strive to be like someday when I find whoever gets to deal with my crazy. :)   

This couple I speak of I mentioned in my blogs about Cali - House, and Lizzie.  Love you two! 


     Stay cool, and guys, actual guys, (not the patriarchal society term of guys including girls), if you're reading these please take something away from them about how you treat women or communicate with them.  If you need any help, I'd like to advertise that my friend House will be teaching a gentleman seminar, but I should probably run that by him first.... :P

Love,
     Jodi

50 Shades of Pride and a Twilight Outlander

SPOILER ALERT for 50 Shades of Grey! You have been warned. 

And now... 

    Are my expectations too high? Is it wrong of me to want what I want in a guy and think anything less will not bring fulfillment?

     I originally started this blog without reading all the way through 50 Shades of Grey, and was very taken with billionaire hottie Christian Grey. But as dove further and further into the book I realized that I hate it and love it all at the same time. While it has been one of the most invigorating and somewhat uncomfortable romance novels I have read, it pushed past uncomfortable and into a feeling of disgusted violation. I felt like all women kind were being dehumanized when Ana succumbs to her libido and lets Christian dominate her. Luckily there is retribution when at the end of the first book she up and leaves him after he's beaten her with a belt and gone too far. 

      Contrary to what you just read, there are redeeming qualities to this book, like the fact that Ana does leave, making Christian realize he loves her... whether or not he can bring himself to admit it. The book also delves into some pretty deep psychological issues. It made me re-realize that more people then we think have to deal with their own personal demons everyday. We all have baggage and even some of our closest friends might not know what all that baggage entails or how it has strained you over the years.

(This is why I love CS. I feel empathetic to those who try and deal 

with these issues without having a rock like CS to turn to.)

     50 Shades also made me realize that I don't have to settle. I should be able to talk to whoever I'm dating at the time to let them know how I'm feeling. Obvious, right? well in the past I've been too busy focusing on being the perfect girlfriend and what he wanted me to be, rather then expressing my needs as well. I have major body image issues. I have constantly struggled with self consciousness, and because of this, I'm a people pleaser. I have a need to make everyone happy, but in past relationships, it has been at the cost of my own happiness. And happiness since happiness is born of truth and love, then I obviously was not in a loving or truthful relationship. I've learned that you shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself for the needs or wants of another. Something that I've known but want to start applying in future relationships.

     And after that very long and possibly too personal segue... my original blog before I read deeper into 50 Shades....

    Do men like Jamie Fraser, Fitzwilliam Darcy, Charles Bingly, Edward Cullen, Christian Grey, exist in real life, in this time? Well the obvious answer I know you're going for is "Hello!!! Jodi one of those characters is an effing VAMPIRE, of course he's are not even in the vicinity of being real!" Others might be thinking I'm crazy because several of those characters were/are bat crap crazy and why the hell would I want them to be real?!

     I know this to be true but some visceral part of me is very intrigued by them because of their actions and manners. A lot of what those men represent is what I dream about in the romance department. I'm not talking the un-dead or raunchy BDSM from Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey, although some of that stuff is intriguing... but definitely should not be talked about on my blog.


     I also know that the way Jamie, Darcy and Bingly would treat women is very dated, but the general idea of chivalry and romance still exists there. Impressively, Jamie was able to compromise when it came to social etiquette, manners and behavior, and love a woman who was over a century younger then he.

     I also have to keep reminding myself that I'm no Jane or Elizabeth Bennet, Clair Beauchamp, Bella Swan or Anastasia Steele. Those women, although fictitious as well, and very different from each other, are synonymous in comparison to me. I know what you're thinking if you're one of my girlfriends 'Shut up Jo, you're real to say the least, beautiful in your own unique way etc...' and while I love and appreciate your constant thoughts of encouragement even as I'm bashing myself, I just can't help it when I get frustrated with life. 

      It's illogical, obviously, of me to compare myself to fictional characters for a plethora of reasons. The main one being it's FICTION, i.e. NOT REAL!!! Yes, I get that, but what I want to point out is; if it's fiction people have written about it because some secret part of them imagines these scenario's. Whether or not they are real, someone wishes they were... a lot of someone's actually based on how many people have read these books.

     What I'm concluding from this is that obviously what is written in them is what a lot of women fantasize about. Shouldn't a logical route be that people *cough, guys, cough cough* learn from these books? Why haven't men taken that into account? Everywhere I look today I see douchbaggery being rewarded in reality tv, soap opera's, sit-com's, even in real life- local bars, pubs, work places, stores. It seems like we reward being a total ass-hat for guys, and reward women, unfortunately, for being a slut. Sluts get laid, they look hot, have sex, get satisfied and rewarded with millions of dollars in Kim Kardashian's case. She was the most paid "actress" of 2011... it just makes me sick.

     Since I've probably started to lose you with my mercurial rants, the continuation of this blog will come later... It'll give you some time to process this blog and get ready for the next rant about the similar yet somewhat different blog for next week.

Wishing you love,

                          Jodi

Gratitude

Last Year's Thanksgiving!

In preparation for my next blog, which hopefully I will get out before several weeks have passed... I know I've been slacking on my blogging, and I apologize to those who actually like reading these every week, or every so often just to see what I'm up to.  (Hi Momma! :D)

I wanted to take the time today, on Thanksgiving, to blog.  I'm not entirely sure why I was moved to do so, but I'm going with it since I've missed blogging.

About 6 weeks ago now I was hired at a local Starbucks, so I FINALLY have a job, which has been one of the reasons I have not been blogging... not as much free time on my hands.  Alas, I promised myself I would still blog somewhat regularly because it keeps me sane... well as sane as I can get.

Okay, back to the reason I started this blog; to share a little gratitude and prepare you for the upcoming disasters you'll be reading. (I have 2 already written, I just need to edit and add some finishing touches.)

I want to start by thanking my BFF, Mrs. Hotaru, for encouraging me to blog.  She inspires me in every way and makes me want to share my unique, and hopefully somewhat humerus, if not always stimulating voice.  :)

It's nice to have this day set aside just to give thanks and be reminded of all we have to be grateful for.  Being grateful can completely change your outlook on the day.  The reminder to be grateful helped me out today as I was at work for the majority of the morning into the early afternoon, and still had some cooking to do when I came home.

I am particularly grateful for everyone who has entered my life, no matter how brief our interactions were!  And I'd like to give a shout out to all my fellow England Abroaders, whom I miss terribly!  MISSING all of you on this Thanksgiving because it's reminding me of how WONDERFUL last yer was!!!!!

We can sometimes forget how much our lives can be affected by one person, regardless of direct contact or not.  without the friends that my friends have, my friends would not be the same loving, caring, kind, respectful, and joyful people I choose to have in my life.  So even if I have never met you, I am grateful for you (especially if you're taking the time to read this.  You deserve my sincerest gratitude for caring that much.)
 If I am grateful for perfect strangers, imagine how grateful I am to the actual friends and family in my life! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!   And though I definitely do not always show it, or communicate it very well, if at all, you are my world, and it would not be the same without you! :D

<3 always,
     Jodi

Poker Face

     My poker face sucks!  In fact, I do not even have a poker face. My face can always give me away - you'll know how I'm feeling because I can't hide it; and if I'm trying to hide it I usually cop out with laughter.

getting my feet sucked at by little fishies does this to my face...

Didn't even realize I was making this face, but  it fits, no? 

     Yep, whether it's uncomfortable laughter, happy laughter or 'I don't know what to say' laughter, it's my go-to to cover up for shyness, anger, nausea, irritation, discomfort... basically any emotion I have.

Pure joy doesn't look too good on my face... but here it is

     In a way this is perfect for the career I chose while in school, I was a theater major (dance minor, emotion helps out SO much in dance as well).  But the raw human, Jodi emotion usually only comes pure when I'm not under pressure or nervous, which I would assume is a general rule for most people.  You can express yourself perfectly while being spontaneous in a real- life situation, but as soon as you have to perform, you lose all of your honest spontaneity.  Well I think (hope) even under pressure, if it's a character I can really play and feel, you will get very unguarded expressions flashing across my face.  the best part is when I don;t know I'm giving myself away and people call me out on it.

A Tale of Two Cities the Musical

     Theater has helped in its own way with that though, I've gotten very good at white lying to people.  Not that I make a habit of it, but when people ask me things like 'isn't my new bf so cute' or don;t you just love this song?' I usually go with a less enthusiastic yes, or try saying things like 'I love his eyes' or 'it's got a good beat'.  So I'm not really lying, just more so avoiding the truth and covering it with a wanting in enthusiasm 'yeah..'.

Being a whore suits me, don't you think? :P

     Why do I bother blogging about these things I'm wondering now.  Well, cause I can be a lot more honest when I'm typing versus talking to someone directly.  Ideally people who want to get to know me better, the real me, can read these and learn much more about me then by actually talking with me.  Especially if I'm nervous or trying to impress you... I tend to get loud and annoying and cop out with my oh so charming facetious remarks; usually playing out in sexual jokes, references, double double entendre's and 'that's what she said' comments.


     I guess I want to apologize to any of you that have had to suffer through those moments.  I know I have some very dear friends that have had to sit through seeing me try and be flirty with a guy and failing miserably!  So I thank you all who have dealt with that! :D

 <3 always,
               Jodes

Never Give Up on Love

"Piper and Leo's love has touched us all!"

     There's a reason I will never give up on love.  I've been hurt many times, endured a lot of crap and wear my heart on my sleeve, but I will never give up on love.

     I want to be romanced and I want chivalry in my life... well in my love life.

     I've been re-watching episodes of "Charmed", one of my favorite tv shows growing up.  Piper was always my favorite sister, probably because I related to her the most.  She looked the most like me, and behaved the most like me.  I always dreamed that I would be cast as her daughter in the shows, before it ended, of course.

   
     I was watching an episode in season 1 where Piper swaps powers with her whitelighter, Leo, the man she loves, in order to heal him and save his life.  The catch is, she doesn't know how to use his power to heal, she can't find the 'trigger' as they call it in order to heal him.  At this point she is the only one who can save him, and he's fading fast.
     Love is the trigger to using Leo's power to heal, but unless Piper admits to herself that she really does love him, she cannot heal him.  She tries everything to heal him, except admitting she loves Leo because she's scared that if she loses him, it will hurt more if she admits that she really loves him.

The Charmed ones (after Prue died and it got better!)  

     Ironic, isn't it?  Love is what was needed to save Leo, but because she was scared of being hurt, she holds back her love.  The lesson is learned when Piper thinks Leo  is actually dead.  She starts to cry and tells him she loves him; that's when the healing power starts to work.  Piper is able to fully heal Leo.  It's a really great episode and always makes me cry, and constantly reminds me why I will never close off my heart to love.

      I will need time to heal, of course, but I have dated guys, and even know some guys and girls that have been hurt by love, so they close off their hearts to the possibility of loving again for fear of being hurt.  Whether they realize that they are doing this out of fear or not, they are.  I'm sorry, but I feel this makes them weak.  It is the strong that put their hearts on the line to love and gamble losing, and the weak that hide their hearts and never love again.  I feel sorry for these people, because even if you do get hurt multiple times, you are also open to the magic and all of the love that comes with an open heart.  You may not get hurt by closing off your heart, but you won't get loved either, and you will never fully be able to heal your heart from the first heartbreak unless you're willing to forgive and move on.

Piper healing Leo

     *Disclaimer*This is all just how I personally feel, I don't want anyone to feel bad when they read this.  I've been hurt by guys that are too coward to face real feelings, and it doesn't just hurt them, it hurts others around them.  But no matter how much I am hurt, I will never stop loving and searching for someone who will be romantic, and cheesy, and kind and chivalrous.   (Of course I look for other qualities as well, but those are what I'm focusing on for this post :P)


Love always,
     Jodi

To My Friends...

     Dearest friends and loved ones,

England Abroad 2011

     I have taken you for granted.  Okay, so this seems to be coming out of nowhere, correct?  Well let me give you some context.
     I never really thought that college would end.  Stupid thought, I know, but in reality, I was thinking "I don't need to be sad about saying goodbye because I'll see them soon!"  And for 5 years of college that was the case.  I've always hated saying goodbye. So this May, I graduated having trained myself to not be sad.  Of course I knew this time would be different, but mostly I was hoping that it wouldn't be; and by some magical power I'd be back in a college setting with all of my friends, just hanging out.
     I have very few friends I have stayed in touch with pre-college.  ASC and Prin were where I made the majority of the friends I want to keep for life.  I didn't appreciate the time we had together while we had it.  I secluded myself, especially the last 2 years, I got lazy and stopped reaching out to the amazing community of people and limited myself in who I socialized with.  I do not want to do that again.  So if it's not too late, I'm reaching out to all of you; all the friendships I've made over the past several years, I love you guys! :)

Mustang and me 1994

Green, me, and Mustang 2007

     I came to this realization of taking you for granted over this summer when the happiest memories I had were with my friends.  I now know that I do not care where I end up geographically, as long as I have my friends I know I will be incandescently happy :).  Whether I'm trapped in a tiny town in CO that I've never heard of,  kicking it in the gorgeous LA, or in the very, VERY unbelievably humid CT.  As long as I have people I care about with me I am having the best time of my life.

     This is not to say that I hate living at home, because I don't.  I love my family but at the same time, I cannot wait to live on my own!  I want my own apartment where I can set up things how I want them to be, I want things to be cleaned to my standard, I want to decorate, I want to live in a house where there is minimal clutter!

Me and Rita

    So, this sounds more like I want to live alone, which would be nice, but I'd love to live with friends too.  If college has made me realize anything about the real world, it's pick your roommates wisely.  Just because you are good or even best friends with someone, does not mean your levels of living are conducive to a healthy friendship.  In other words, even the best of friends will want to rip each others throats out if say... one is a night owl and the other an early bird, etc...

Me and Hotaru JV LAX team 2005

Hotaru and I at Ren Fest 2010

Hotaru and I Class of 2007

     I've gotten a little off track. Where was I... Yes, I LOVE MY FRIENDS!  You make life worth living!  I'm mostly bored with life here in CO because I only have a couple of friends here.  Mustang who is featured above.  (We've known each other since we were born).  He's my oldest friend, but has his own life and obligations to attend to.  The other is my BFF, Hotaru (pictured above), and she lives over an hour away.  I have a blast when I get to hang out with her, but that's only so often.  And now that she's getting married I feel that I'll see her even less.  I'm ECSTATIC for her, don't get me wrong, Hotaru, I LOVE YOU, but you'll soon be a 'we' and want to be moving on with your life, being all married and cute.  You'll have a life long friend and you won't need me in the same way that I need you.  This will hopefully change one day, but as of now... well that's a different blog.

The gang from ASC at Ren Fest 2010

The women of Summer Brave 2009

Heath and I overlooking SF 2012

Harlequin Maneuver Cast  2010

     I need to get out there and make new friends in CO so I have more people to hang out with here, instead of wishing I were someplace else; however, I never want to lose touch with the friends I have already made.  I love you all, I really do mean it, even when I don't show it all that well.  We're all busy, and I know that, especially now that a lot of us have graduated and are making lives for ourselves all over the world.  I am one of those people who doesn't need to talk to someone everyday to stay friends.  I'm the kind of girl that when I leave a friend behind I greet them again no matter how many years later the same way we left off our friendship - like nothing has changed.  Love and kindness and happiness are things that we are always sharing with each other, and I believe they have no limits or time restraints.

Theater Women Class of 2012

So this is for all of you, my friends and loved ones.  The next time I see you in person I will treat you like we never left each other, yes I'll want to hear all about your life, but our friendship will not know the strains of time or distance.  And I want a BIG GINORMIC hug, actually, a plethora of hugs throughout our time together. :)  I LOVE HUGS... and massages... you can always get me with massages... Oops, see how distracted I get when thinking about massages.  Back to what I was talking about before hugs and massages... Yes, so the next time we chat through facebook or email, it might be short and sweet, but please know that it carries all the love in my heart.

Wishing all of you love,

Until next time ~ Jodi