Poker Face

     My poker face sucks!  In fact, I do not even have a poker face. My face can always give me away - you'll know how I'm feeling because I can't hide it; and if I'm trying to hide it I usually cop out with laughter.

getting my feet sucked at by little fishies does this to my face...

Didn't even realize I was making this face, but  it fits, no? 

     Yep, whether it's uncomfortable laughter, happy laughter or 'I don't know what to say' laughter, it's my go-to to cover up for shyness, anger, nausea, irritation, discomfort... basically any emotion I have.

Pure joy doesn't look too good on my face... but here it is

     In a way this is perfect for the career I chose while in school, I was a theater major (dance minor, emotion helps out SO much in dance as well).  But the raw human, Jodi emotion usually only comes pure when I'm not under pressure or nervous, which I would assume is a general rule for most people.  You can express yourself perfectly while being spontaneous in a real- life situation, but as soon as you have to perform, you lose all of your honest spontaneity.  Well I think (hope) even under pressure, if it's a character I can really play and feel, you will get very unguarded expressions flashing across my face.  the best part is when I don;t know I'm giving myself away and people call me out on it.

A Tale of Two Cities the Musical

     Theater has helped in its own way with that though, I've gotten very good at white lying to people.  Not that I make a habit of it, but when people ask me things like 'isn't my new bf so cute' or don;t you just love this song?' I usually go with a less enthusiastic yes, or try saying things like 'I love his eyes' or 'it's got a good beat'.  So I'm not really lying, just more so avoiding the truth and covering it with a wanting in enthusiasm 'yeah..'.

Being a whore suits me, don't you think? :P

     Why do I bother blogging about these things I'm wondering now.  Well, cause I can be a lot more honest when I'm typing versus talking to someone directly.  Ideally people who want to get to know me better, the real me, can read these and learn much more about me then by actually talking with me.  Especially if I'm nervous or trying to impress you... I tend to get loud and annoying and cop out with my oh so charming facetious remarks; usually playing out in sexual jokes, references, double double entendre's and 'that's what she said' comments.


     I guess I want to apologize to any of you that have had to suffer through those moments.  I know I have some very dear friends that have had to sit through seeing me try and be flirty with a guy and failing miserably!  So I thank you all who have dealt with that! :D

 <3 always,
               Jodes

Never Give Up on Love

"Piper and Leo's love has touched us all!"

     There's a reason I will never give up on love.  I've been hurt many times, endured a lot of crap and wear my heart on my sleeve, but I will never give up on love.

     I want to be romanced and I want chivalry in my life... well in my love life.

     I've been re-watching episodes of "Charmed", one of my favorite tv shows growing up.  Piper was always my favorite sister, probably because I related to her the most.  She looked the most like me, and behaved the most like me.  I always dreamed that I would be cast as her daughter in the shows, before it ended, of course.

   
     I was watching an episode in season 1 where Piper swaps powers with her whitelighter, Leo, the man she loves, in order to heal him and save his life.  The catch is, she doesn't know how to use his power to heal, she can't find the 'trigger' as they call it in order to heal him.  At this point she is the only one who can save him, and he's fading fast.
     Love is the trigger to using Leo's power to heal, but unless Piper admits to herself that she really does love him, she cannot heal him.  She tries everything to heal him, except admitting she loves Leo because she's scared that if she loses him, it will hurt more if she admits that she really loves him.

The Charmed ones (after Prue died and it got better!)  

     Ironic, isn't it?  Love is what was needed to save Leo, but because she was scared of being hurt, she holds back her love.  The lesson is learned when Piper thinks Leo  is actually dead.  She starts to cry and tells him she loves him; that's when the healing power starts to work.  Piper is able to fully heal Leo.  It's a really great episode and always makes me cry, and constantly reminds me why I will never close off my heart to love.

      I will need time to heal, of course, but I have dated guys, and even know some guys and girls that have been hurt by love, so they close off their hearts to the possibility of loving again for fear of being hurt.  Whether they realize that they are doing this out of fear or not, they are.  I'm sorry, but I feel this makes them weak.  It is the strong that put their hearts on the line to love and gamble losing, and the weak that hide their hearts and never love again.  I feel sorry for these people, because even if you do get hurt multiple times, you are also open to the magic and all of the love that comes with an open heart.  You may not get hurt by closing off your heart, but you won't get loved either, and you will never fully be able to heal your heart from the first heartbreak unless you're willing to forgive and move on.

Piper healing Leo

     *Disclaimer*This is all just how I personally feel, I don't want anyone to feel bad when they read this.  I've been hurt by guys that are too coward to face real feelings, and it doesn't just hurt them, it hurts others around them.  But no matter how much I am hurt, I will never stop loving and searching for someone who will be romantic, and cheesy, and kind and chivalrous.   (Of course I look for other qualities as well, but those are what I'm focusing on for this post :P)


Love always,
     Jodi

To My Friends...

     Dearest friends and loved ones,

England Abroad 2011

     I have taken you for granted.  Okay, so this seems to be coming out of nowhere, correct?  Well let me give you some context.
     I never really thought that college would end.  Stupid thought, I know, but in reality, I was thinking "I don't need to be sad about saying goodbye because I'll see them soon!"  And for 5 years of college that was the case.  I've always hated saying goodbye. So this May, I graduated having trained myself to not be sad.  Of course I knew this time would be different, but mostly I was hoping that it wouldn't be; and by some magical power I'd be back in a college setting with all of my friends, just hanging out.
     I have very few friends I have stayed in touch with pre-college.  ASC and Prin were where I made the majority of the friends I want to keep for life.  I didn't appreciate the time we had together while we had it.  I secluded myself, especially the last 2 years, I got lazy and stopped reaching out to the amazing community of people and limited myself in who I socialized with.  I do not want to do that again.  So if it's not too late, I'm reaching out to all of you; all the friendships I've made over the past several years, I love you guys! :)

Mustang and me 1994

Green, me, and Mustang 2007

     I came to this realization of taking you for granted over this summer when the happiest memories I had were with my friends.  I now know that I do not care where I end up geographically, as long as I have my friends I know I will be incandescently happy :).  Whether I'm trapped in a tiny town in CO that I've never heard of,  kicking it in the gorgeous LA, or in the very, VERY unbelievably humid CT.  As long as I have people I care about with me I am having the best time of my life.

     This is not to say that I hate living at home, because I don't.  I love my family but at the same time, I cannot wait to live on my own!  I want my own apartment where I can set up things how I want them to be, I want things to be cleaned to my standard, I want to decorate, I want to live in a house where there is minimal clutter!

Me and Rita

    So, this sounds more like I want to live alone, which would be nice, but I'd love to live with friends too.  If college has made me realize anything about the real world, it's pick your roommates wisely.  Just because you are good or even best friends with someone, does not mean your levels of living are conducive to a healthy friendship.  In other words, even the best of friends will want to rip each others throats out if say... one is a night owl and the other an early bird, etc...

Me and Hotaru JV LAX team 2005

Hotaru and I at Ren Fest 2010

Hotaru and I Class of 2007

     I've gotten a little off track. Where was I... Yes, I LOVE MY FRIENDS!  You make life worth living!  I'm mostly bored with life here in CO because I only have a couple of friends here.  Mustang who is featured above.  (We've known each other since we were born).  He's my oldest friend, but has his own life and obligations to attend to.  The other is my BFF, Hotaru (pictured above), and she lives over an hour away.  I have a blast when I get to hang out with her, but that's only so often.  And now that she's getting married I feel that I'll see her even less.  I'm ECSTATIC for her, don't get me wrong, Hotaru, I LOVE YOU, but you'll soon be a 'we' and want to be moving on with your life, being all married and cute.  You'll have a life long friend and you won't need me in the same way that I need you.  This will hopefully change one day, but as of now... well that's a different blog.

The gang from ASC at Ren Fest 2010

The women of Summer Brave 2009

Heath and I overlooking SF 2012

Harlequin Maneuver Cast  2010

     I need to get out there and make new friends in CO so I have more people to hang out with here, instead of wishing I were someplace else; however, I never want to lose touch with the friends I have already made.  I love you all, I really do mean it, even when I don't show it all that well.  We're all busy, and I know that, especially now that a lot of us have graduated and are making lives for ourselves all over the world.  I am one of those people who doesn't need to talk to someone everyday to stay friends.  I'm the kind of girl that when I leave a friend behind I greet them again no matter how many years later the same way we left off our friendship - like nothing has changed.  Love and kindness and happiness are things that we are always sharing with each other, and I believe they have no limits or time restraints.

Theater Women Class of 2012

So this is for all of you, my friends and loved ones.  The next time I see you in person I will treat you like we never left each other, yes I'll want to hear all about your life, but our friendship will not know the strains of time or distance.  And I want a BIG GINORMIC hug, actually, a plethora of hugs throughout our time together. :)  I LOVE HUGS... and massages... you can always get me with massages... Oops, see how distracted I get when thinking about massages.  Back to what I was talking about before hugs and massages... Yes, so the next time we chat through facebook or email, it might be short and sweet, but please know that it carries all the love in my heart.

Wishing all of you love,

Until next time ~ Jodi

Post Grad Boredom...

Do you ever get tired of thinking?

I've been watching lots of tv...

Sometimes I just want to turn my brain off.  One of the reasons I don't consistently blog is because I feel like I'm dealing with so much.  Even though it might help to write some of it down so I can get it out and stop worrying about it, I lack the energy to want to even try and collect all of my thoughts.
It's like the feeling you get when you're carrying WAY too many things.  you can't hold on anymore so everything goes flying all over and creates a mess you cannot, at that moment, fathom trying to begin to clean up.  The idea of having to clean up that mess at that moment makes you so overwhelmed that the only thing you can do is just sit down and cry hoping magically that will somehow crying will make it all better and the work will get done for you.

I've been reading a lot, I guess that's good.

I feel like that very often now and I'm not happy about it.  And I know that I really should have no right to vent about having "so much to do" because I don't have a job.  the problem in not having a job is all the worry and work you have to put in to get one.  While bills pile up and you have to make payments with money you don't have you're also looking and waiting and wondering about any and every job opportunity out there.  the worst part is being stuck at home with no car or anything interesting to do!  SOOOO BORING!!!!!  I want to do something so badly.  I want to work and I want a schedule to follow.
Being a theater major while in school, I thrived on being busy.

I've been doing a lot of this lately.

Since I just moved, thew house is a mess, and it's not my mess to clean up, so that is driving me a bit insane because there is no space to move, and my room has no furniture, so that is a mess too.  I'm too poor to buy furniture for my room, this is sad.  the disorganization in the house gets to me.

I really need to change my thinking right now and get a job!  I know I will be in my right place, but my place right now is boring and stressing me to tears all at the same time.  I'm such a whiny baby, and I know it.  Which is why I'm doing something about it this week.

Wishing you love,
<3 always,
     Jodi

Time Flies!

I can't believe it's already been 2 weeks since I've been in California! I have seen So many things; The City (SF) Twin peaks, the sutra baths, pier 39, Alcatraz, the redwoods, fog.... the list goes on...

"The City"

I am loving it here and the time is going by so fast. It's been a growing experience for me as well as buckets of fun. I have made some great friends, learned a few things about relationships, and also put my trust in the wrong things. I'll know better next time, hopefully. I think my friend Lizzie said it best:

Sutra Baths

"If my minimal life experience has taught me ONE thing, it is this: One should never be upset with oneself for letting people get close enough to hurt them. The blame belongs to the people who hurt you. When your only fault is loving someone the way you want to be loved, you should walk away from that relationship with your head held high. Have pride in your kind heart. It's a rare gift." Lizzie Bennett

Alcatraz

I had a situation last summer very similar to one this summer dealing with relationships. I expected too much out of someone who I really didn't know and ended up getting hurt again in the same way as last year. I will not be making the same mistake again. As my friend Lizzie said. (I'm paraphrasing) "We are good people and assume that everyone will allot the same courtesy to us as we would to them."

I would have to agree with that statement. I expect good, and hold people to the same standards as I hold myself, so I really shouldn't be as disappointed as I was when I leaned that that does not hold true for a lot of people in this world, and that's okay because we're all individuals and value different things. A lesson that I will not soon forget.

Redwood fairy circle

So anyway, My time in Cali has mostly been filled with great times and amazing memories and time spent with amazing people. I'm not going to dwell on the past and stupid mistakes, but look to the future. I have no idea what it holds for me, but I hope California is in it somewhere, as well as Japan! I'm really looking forward to applying for the JET Program to go teach English in Japan for a year. I'm also looking into grad schools and hopefully working out how to get my butt out to CA again, whether permanent or temporary.


As always, I wish you all love, and thanks for reading!

<3 always,
     Jodi

Hello California, it's nice to meet you!

So this week I traveled from my new home in Parker, to Ventura, CA!  My college friends who were interning in CO decided to drive back to Cali, and take me with them!!!!  This seemed perfect to me because it meant I could visit, dun dun DUNNNN; a boy! Haha.

Zyzzx Road!

As I was getting very excited about going to Cali to see a bunch of my friends and meet up with this guy I've been dating, something hit the fan, and it went all over my face!... Oh wait, those were just my tears.

I called my friends in tears telling them I might no longer go with them if, the guy who we've previously named, Heath, didn't want to see me.

I showed up at my moms house late Friday night (I was supposed to be leaving Saturday afternoon) really needing a mommy hug.  We talked about what had happened and how I wanted to cancel the plane ticket I had bought for coming back home.  After some discussion, she thought that I should still go, because who better to be with to get my mind off of boy problems then my friends!  And I'd be doing it in the lovely California, to which I had never been before.  So I put on my big girl pants, and cried some more... but after that I went home, packed and was ready to be on my way to California!

Can you tell we've bonded in mutual weirdness?! 

We traveled through Utah, Arizona, Nevada (stopping off along the strip; SO COOL!) and finally to the LA area where I would be staying with my friend, House.  This was where I met my friend's (House) girlfriend, Lizzie.

Lizzie, House and I!

Let's just say that this girl is my twin soul, so similar in personality and likes - not to mention gorgeous, that if I was either gay, or a boy... I wold steal her and keep her for myself!  MUAHAHAHA!   She is AWESOME!  We clicked to fast, and I have loved spending time with both of them!  :)

Me with my In-N-Out cup!

They took me to In-N-Out for the first time earlier this week, and Oh. My. GOSH!  It was amazing!  I will never be able to have a hamburger or fries again without them paling in comparison! We drove around in House's bug... which he insists is 'magenta and cream' but I still say magenta is a fancy word for pink!  I love this car, even without any A/C or proper seat belts, it's so vintage!  Plus it got us from point A to point B... until the battery decided to crap out.  But we were able to make it back alright, and have been driving a car that now works and has A/C, so I'm a happy Jodi!  We also went to get boba the next day!  I LOVE BOBA!!!

House trying to get the bug to start

So my week has been going GREAT!  and I love California!  One of the best parts is that Heath and I have resolved things, and I will be visiting him next week!!


I'll let you know how things play out! :)

Wishing you love,

<3 always,  
     Jodi

I'm back!

     Okay, so I realize I haven't blogged in a while, and while I know I don;t have people itching for my blogs, I'd still like to be more consistent.
I did predict that I would not be the greatest at actually blogging on a regular or consistent basis.  I know myself too well to think that I would have.  I'm a very ADD person, so if I get distracted easily, I forget all about things.  Hence the reason I am ALWAYS late!  Anyway, that's a who other issue altogether!

View from 'Daisy's' Window

     So I'm blogging again now because I miss it, and have lots of thoughts and feelings going through my head; and what better way then to write them down?

     So In most recent news, I was able to visit several of my friends from Prin up in Wescliffe, CO!  I had a wonderful time seeing them in some community theater where they SHINED!  I'm very sad that I missed my opportunity to audition, but there is always next year!  Who knows.

The Lady's Not for Burning

I must say though, that with such a small community, the acting pool to choose from was limited, and my friends were the BEST parts about each play.  Which I am not sure how much that can be taken as an insult, but I like to see it as a compliment and a testament to how ultimately WONDERFUL each of them is, and how amazing the acting program at Prin is!

I'm in that audience... somewhere...

     Other then just watching them be in play, we spent a lot of time together in their pseudo apartment.  That was probably the best part of the trip.  It felt so natural and wonderful to be back in a dorm like setting with no parents or adults to have to placate to or worry about a curfew!  We were going out practically every night, and in a small town, is really cool to do.

the beautiful double rainbow that appeared the day I departed

     I love the dynamics of a small town; you can walk practically everywhere, most things are family owned and local, versus chain stores like Wal-Mart, and you become a regular very quickly to the point that everyone knows your name.  Granted I think my friends were tiring of the small hick-ville-ish town in the BFE (butt-fucking-Egypt) I quite enjoyed the serene location, however, I think I would tire of not having a city near by. Which is why I'm SO EXCITED THAT THEY ARE COMING DOWN THIS COMING WEEKEND FOR REN FEST!!!!! GAHHH!!!!  Lol, yes, I typed that in all caps.  You should have seen my face while I was writing all of that, probably a very amusing site to see. :)

     Anyway, I had such a great time getting to see them and catch up.  It was very hard for me to leave.  It also made me realize how excited with anticipation I am at the prospect of having my own place to live.  But again, I'll save that inner monologue for another time.

     Until then, blessed be!

               <3 always, Jodi